John Yang:
Talking politics with relatives around the holidays can be tricky territory.
Amna Nawaz has more on how to handle conversation if it veers too far in that direction.
Amna Nawaz:
Millions of Americans are spending more time gathering with family and loved ones this Thanksgiving. But more time together can also mean more tension, especially when conversations drift into politics or other touchy topics.
In fact, our latest PBS News/NPR/Marist poll found Americans find it increasingly difficult to talk politics with each other; 85 percent of Democrats describe Republicans as closed-minded; 82 percent of Republicans said the same thing about Democrats.
Here’s what a few of our poll respondents shared with us.
Brandon Tillotson, Wisconsin:
I do find it difficult to talk politics with anyone who is on the other side of the aisle, for lack of a better way to say it. I don’t feel like very many people have very much civility when it comes to politics these days.
Deirdre Salinsky, South Carolina:
It feels like we’re living in completely different realities. Like, they’re living somewhere else where I’m not living. Like, the facts aren’t aligning. The world is not the same, which makes it really frustrating.
Dave Demore, Wisconsin:
People feel really strongly in their views one way or another. And I think that I have noticed that more than ever. People are really dug into how they feel. And there’s not much persuasion taking place. There’s a lot of griping and, I would say, a lot of division.
Larry Cleveland, New Jersey:
Because you seem to walk on eggshells when you talk because it’s going to cause a rift or it’s going to be contentious or they’re going to say something that’s going to make me angry or I’m going to say something that’s going to make them angry.
If they’re going to be — have their heels dug in, I’m going to have my heels dug in. So it’s automatically contentious.
Nick Manupella, New York:
My household is a two-party household. So we talk about it all the time, and we’re used to talking about it. We can get — sometimes, we can get pretty bad, where it’s like, all right, this is really bad. And it’s just like, OK, we got to just move on. You know what I mean? Let’s get out of this and we will move on.
Letra Percy, Texas:
I feel that some people are very closed-minded to the other side of the table and what those views may be. I believe that everyone has an opinion and that both of us from both sides should be able to state our opinions and still be able to get along with each other. But it seems that that’s getting harder and harder these days to do so.
Amna Nawaz:
Joining us with some advice on how to navigate some of these challenging conversations we may have over the holidays is R. Eric Thomas. He’s the author of the nationally syndicated advice column “Asking Eric.”
Eric, welcome to the “News Hour.” Thanks for joining us.
R. Eric Thomas, Author, “Asking Eric”: Thanks so much for having me. It’s a pleasure.
Amna Nawaz:
So, before we jump into some of the questions, just big picture, you’re in the business of offering advice. You heard some of the concerns people just shared there. Are you getting more of these questions of people grappling with these issues coming your way?
R. Eric Thomas:
I am, especially this year.
Every year around this time, people are looking toward the holidays, looking toward family dinners and asking questions like, how do I have the meaningful time that I want to have without getting bogged down by political difference? I mean, the advice is always a little bit the same, which is to see your loved ones as real people, as humans, and talk to the human and not to the headline.
Amna Nawaz:
Well, let’s hear from a few of those viewers now.
The first question comes to us from Brandon of Madison, Wisconsin.
Brandon Tillotson:
Take a listen. I guess my question would be, how do you get someone to listen to reason or even hear your side of the argument when their heels are so dug in that they are just waiting for you to stop talking so they can say their part?
Amna Nawaz:
Eric, there’s a related question that comes to us from Scott in Newcastle, Washington. He writes: “How do you separate the person and your relationship to them from the views that they have?”
What would you say to them?
R. Eric Thomas:
I think looking at the word choice here is so interesting. The first respondent talks about an argument and getting another person to hear their side. And then the second person talks about relationships.
Arguments and relationships are a little bit at odds with each other. You can obviously argue with people you have relationships with. But what is the goal of the conversation that these people are trying to have? Are they trying to win a debate or — and get one person to say, I admit it, you’re right, I was wrong,or are they trying to maintain a relationship?
If it’s the latter, then what they’re looking toward is actually saying, I see that we don’t agree. There’s probably a better venue for us to have this discussion. In the meantime, can you acknowledge that I’m a human who cares about certain things, and I know that you are human who cares about certain things, and can we find a common ground about what we actually do care about?
And maybe that’s each other. Maybe that’s the meal. Maybe it’s something completely unrelated to the political issue at hand.
Amna Nawaz:
I love that, bring it back to the shared humanity.
Sometimes, the question, though, Eric, as you know, is not about how to engage on the issue with friends and family, but whether to engage at all. That leads us to a question that comes from Dave and Mequon, Wisconsin. Take a listen.
Dave Demore:
The question I would ask is, is it worth having the conversation? Are we better to just not have it at all? Or should we have a strategy to how to deal with disagreement?
Amna Nawaz:
Eric, is it better to just avoid some topics?
R. Eric Thomas:
You know, I think, sometimes, it is. And I don’t say that lightly, because I do know that politics is personal, and so the ways that the headlines affect us in our daily lives can rise at any moment and can be an ever-present source of frustration or concern or fear.
That said, if you are sitting with relatives, friends with whom you don’t share certain alignments, really ask yourself what you’re trying to get out of this exchange. What is the point of engaging in this debate right now? And ask yourself, is there a different way that we can structure the rules of our conversation?
We act like gathering with family or with anybody is something that just naturally happens. And, yes, it does, but it is always important to think about how we gather and what are the guardrails of our gathering. And it is OK to say, this is a lightning rod in our conversation, so, for the next two hours, we’re going to stay away from this topic.
And if it comes up, it’s OK to sort of raise a hand, blow a whistle, wave a flag, and say, hey, we agreed that we were going to steer clear, and we’re — because there are a million other things to talk about.
Amna Nawaz:
We got a lot of questions as well about people asking for specific tips and tricks, like this one that comes to us from Deirdre in Charleston, South Carolina.
Deirdre Salinsky:
My question would be, what sort of emotion regulation skills do you recommend for in the moment when you’re in a heated debate? How can we calm ourselves down?
Amna Nawaz:
Phil from Fort Myers, Florida, sent a similar question, writing: “Sometimes, there are triggers and longtime behaviors with family members. What tactics would you suggest for not falling into those same behaviors every time?”
What would you say, Eric?
R. Eric Thomas:
I mean, it is so easy to fall into those familiar grooves with people that know you, that know where all your buttons are because they installed them themselves.
(Laughter)
R. Eric Thomas:
And it is — and that’s OK. That’s human.
And so to go in and say to yourself, to the person you’re with, your partner, your — even your children, to say like, there are certain things that come up for me when I’m with my parents, my siblings, and I don’t always want to respond in the way that I respond. Can you help me to be an off-ramp?
Mindfulness is going to be very important, acknowledging what you are feeling as you are feeling it. I’m feeling frustrated. I’m feeling fearful. I’m feeling not heard. Acknowledge that to yourself and then give yourself the opportunity to step away.
Amna Nawaz:
We’re talking a lot about the potential pitfalls and the tensions around this moment, but this is also a wonderfully warm time to gather with your friends and family. It’s supposed to be about gratitude and being thankful.
So how can we remind ourselves about the spirit of the season?
R. Eric Thomas:
It is really, really important to make gratitude an active practice, as opposed to something you just sort of acknowledge that you feel.
We say, oh, I’m grateful for my family, my house, my home, whatever it is. But it is really important to start your day, start your week, start a holiday by making a list in your head or on a piece of paper or on your phone of the things that you are grateful for. And they don’t have to be completely unqualified gratitudes.
You can say, I’m grateful for my home, but I wish the roof didn’t leak.
(Laughter)
R. Eric Thomas:
That is totally fine. But acknowledging this is a thing that you have, that you acknowledge is not a guarantee will help you to see the people around you and the conversations that might come up in a different light.
You can even say, I’m grateful for the opportunity to spend time with this relative who gets on my nerves, because, even though we don’t agree on this part, I value them.
Amna Nawaz:
That is R. Eric Thomas, the author of the nationally syndicated advice column “Asking Eric,” with some very useful advice for us all.
Eric, thank you so much. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
R. Eric Thomas:
Thanks so much. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours as well.
